Gene - IsuperAm *.*

I miss this moment. I miss me, a few months ago. Back then, I didn’t have questions, assumptions, expectations. I didn’t have unnecessary worries. I miss it when all I have to do is sit there, wait for yet another bliss, without having to be impulsive, without having to make stupid decisions. *sigh*

It is scary. It can give you intense happiness and extreme sadness all in one night. The saddest part is, the latter lingers longer than the former. That’s love, at least for me.

I am certainly in love and I am certainly stupid. I deserve to be how I am now. GRIEVING. and GRIEVING. Practically because I don’t think. I don’t learn. I am impulsive. I am a crap. I am very stupid.

But there should be a STOP. Everything should be weighed and thought of as it has been supposed to be. I think by now, I’ve done too much. Too much and I’m still not getting anything but heartaches. I think by now, I should already realize that the person is not worth taking the risk, is not worth fighting for.

So here’s another phase of trying to move on. Earlier than that first instance, but of relatively the same intensity. Goal is to at least be in a state closer to a how I was a few months ago: When I didn’t have stupid questions, stupid expectations, stupid assumptions, stupid worries, stupid decisions.

Another sad phase. The person has done enough to break my heart but I wouldn’t let him ruin my life. Life was already good without him. I was stupid to welcome him again, thinking that life could have been better with him around. But life should keep going. I have to keep going.

I’ll be back to my old me. A me without stupid questions, assumptions and expectations. No unnecessary worries. I’ll stand still, waiting for another bliss. Not impulsive. No stupid decisions. No YOU.

It’s better to have loved, screamed, and lost than never loved at all.

Now a bittersweet memory. Almost a year ago and I couldn’t be happy enough to have moved on, finally. One of the most notable experiences in my life, indeed. It gave me lessons about people, situations, love, life and me. My frailties/stupidity/obsession but more than that, my strengths and capabilities. You might have shaken a once so peaceful life but I still thank you. It may not be really “you” though, but the experience with you.

Anyway, while I was checking my old Facebook account (well, I created a new account to help me get over you), I found the picture above and the message below. I could remember so well, the very wonderful feeling when we first met, upon seeing the picture. And the overly sad feeling when I read the message again.

The message is surely melodramatic and it’s giving me goose bumps just because I think this is the sincerest message I’ve written and sent to someone, ever.

I know this may really sound so mushy and “not-so-deserving-to-be-read” but please let this be a gift from me to myself. Please, for the last time.

Days from the last night that we talked over the phone had been really crazy but too good that people, circumstances and my own inhibitions have been ever trying to take me to the path of sanity. You well know how you’ve been so special to me (up until now, apparently). You also know very well how hard it has been for me to finally see and realize that hey, this is it, you couldn’t be mine and that’s how it should be. Please let this be the final coping mechanism on my end.

I just wanted to let you know things that you might have already known. These might just be pure reiterations but I just think that they’re worth telling you over and over again.

• Your smile lightened up a world that was once so dim.
• Your smell was able to complete foul and dull days.
• Your effort to hold my hand was more than enough for me to give up all my senses.
• You made me love “love songs” and later… sad love songs.
• You deserve to be where and who you want “yourself “to be.
• You are a beautifully and wonderfully made human being. You well deserve to be treated as such. (please never take this out of your mind, you seem to forget this all the time)

Thanks for everything. You’ve made me realize how much I am capable of in many aspects. You’ve exposed me to things, people and situations that have helped me become saner and stronger as what I think I am now. It was a road full of hurts but it’s still a road worth traveling.

I know I’m fool doing this again but I’d love to be crazy fool than not doing anything that I think would help me in any way. Venting out, just as what I did the last time. And now it’s a final catharsis. This is something that should really make my mind, mouth and heart shut up.

God bless you in your endeavors. I’d love to see or even just hear from friends how much you’ve grown, how much you’ve accomplished and how much you’ve been happy for reaching the stars you’ve been wanting to reach.

Thanks for once being a part of me… and for that rare chance of making me a part of you.

So long,
Gboi

P.S. do not forget to delete this.

So it was a road full of hurts, indeed, just to say it again. I did not mind it, because all the while I was thinking that I won’t ever lose by loving. So heroic but I think I’ve already changed a lot, for the better. I should say now that it was a road full of hurts, a kind of road that’s not worth traveling again.

I did not dare express it but I know you felt it, I was harsh. I just couldn’t seem to understand how you could be very careless and unmindful. But thanks. You made me believe that there is a purpose for everything that happens, yes, even the unexpected.

Thanks for this angel. Life couldn’t be this sweeter without her. ♥